Leave the great indoorsnotes on the journey

Our daughter recently turned one, which, sure, is a big accomplishment for her. But let’s be honest, she didn’t have a whole lot to do with that accomplishment. I really think the first birthday is all about the parents. Every single birthday from now on can be about her, but I claim this one for us. Well done, us. We made it to toddlerhood.

I just scanned through some of the posts I’ve written over the past 18 months or so since we found out Jess was pregnant. It feels like a lifetime ago. I stopped writing for a while when things got really rough (that’s a story for another post), and then I started again, and then I started writing about other things. But today I want to write about 5 things I’ve learned about parenting during this first year. Which, based on #1, you might want to ignore completely. But let’s do it anyway.

1. There is no right answer

I’ve learned that the Internet is the worst possible place to go for parenting advice. And within that vast expanse of bad advice, Facebook stands apart in its ability to make you feel like a complete failure as a parent.

Every parent has an opinion on sleep training, what to do with runny noses, how important vaccinations are, whether TV makes your child smart or dumb, how safe humidifiers are, what food you should give your baby… the list is endless. And the problem with Facebook is, you know these people. They are your friends. So you’re supposed to trust them, right? And if you hear advice that is different from someone else’s advice, as you inevitably will, you feel like someone’s going to judge you for what you do, because these people are your friends.

The reality is this. Every child is different. Every parent is different. But it goes beyond that — every child/parent combination is different. This means that there are endless permutations of child/parent relationships, and each combination requires something completely unique: your instinct. No one knows what is best — least of all you as the parent. But you know what feels right. And that is what you have to trust.

Sure, there are some questions that are innocent enough, like what the best nappy is for sleeping in. But for the most part, if I ever give you parenting advice, please ignore it and just follow your instincts.

2. Your life does not belong to you any more

Speaking of advice, the worst piece of advice I ever heard goes something like this:

Don’t let the baby set the agenda for your household. They are joining your family, not the other way around. They can fit into your schedule.

Simply. Not. True. The needs of the baby come first, and that means that your needs are a very distant second. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, just that if you expect to go on as if nothing happened, you’re in for a big surprise.

Say what you will about the movie Marley & Me, but I think it is one of the most realistic movies about parenting ever made. This quote sums up my point perfectly:

I just got overwhelmed. No one tells you how hard this is all gonna be.

Which part?

All of it: Marriage, being a parent. It’s the hardest job in the world and nobody prepares you for that. Nobody tells you how much you have to give up. I feel like they do tell you, but you don’t listen… or you think, ‘Ah, they’re just miserable.’ I’ve given up so much of what made me who I am. But I can’t say that because… I’m a very bad person if I say that. But I feel it. I really do. I feel it sometimes. I just want you to know that.

I do know that. And you can say it. I say it.

But I did make a choice. I made a choice, and even if it’s harder than I thought… I don’t regret it. ‘Cause it kinda has like a… ‘there’s no place like home’ feeling to it. I just think these things are gonna happen and we’re gonna get through them. And we’ll just do it together.

Realistic expectations are extremely important. You are giving up your life for something amazing and magical, but don’t be under the illusion that things won’t change — they will.

3. I don’t know anything

When I started writing about parenting, I had this grandiose dream of becoming the male version of Heather Armstrong, blogging my way through things and inspiring people along the way. I don’t have this dream any more, because nothing has humbled me so much about my own abilities like parenting has.

I can now change a nappy, get my daughter dressed in the morning, get her from point A to B using various forms of transport, including but not limited to our car and a hot pink tricycle. I can read her stories and encourage her enthusiastically when she takes a few steps. I can teach her about Jimi Hendrix and Miles Davis, and hopefully one day about Coldplay and Bon Iver and The Album Leaf. I can play guitar for her, give her kisses, and tell her I love her. I can now even put her to bed without much of a hassle.

But I still feel like I don’t know anything. And I have a suspicion that I will always feel like that. It is not necessarily a bad thing though, because it keeps me on my toes. It makes me think about how I interact with her, how my actions will influence hers, how everything I do can teach her in some small way to be honest, honorable, and passionate about everything she does. I don’t know anything, but I’m ok with that. Because I think like most of us, I can use a daily dose of humility.

4. We’re all in it together

As bad as Facebook is for parenting advice, it is a fantastic place for community. If we’re friends on Facebook and you have kids, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. From the “Hello again, 3am” status updates to the “Hooray, the diarrhea stopped” ones, as soon as you say a word about parenting, we know what you mean. And nothing encourages you like knowing you are not alone.

The parenting tribe has sustained us through many difficult nights and days, so to you I say: thank you. And keep posting.

5. Ask for help

I have long since given up my shyness about asking people for help. Even if their offers seem insincere at the time – it’s their fault, right?

“Hey, let me know if you ever need a babysitter to come and…”

“Can you come Friday night?”

This parenting thing is not meant to be done alone, so don’t even try. Ask for people to help with lifts, food, babysitting, cleaning, laundry, old toys, old clothes, new nappies, whatever. People want to help, and we need to give them the opportunity to do so.

The toughest job…

Over the course of the past year or so, three things that people said to me about parenting has stuck with me:

• Having a baby is not a hostile takeover, it’s a friendly takeover.
• Being a parent is the toughest job you will ever love.
• Being a parent is wonderful, but parenting isn’t always that.

There is a little bit of truth in all those statements. But when my daughter runs into my arms, and I think about the past year and all the ups and downs, the one I keep coming back to is this. It’s a tough job. But I love it.