Being nice to babies
June 3rd, 2009
I have so many constant and ever-changing fears about becoming a dad that it’s really hard to keep track of them all sometimes. This week’s freak-out session was focused on a particularly big one: The fear that our daughter won’t have a happy childhood. As with most people who have this special gift of the analytical worst-case-scenario mind, I have reverse-engineered this fear to what I think the root cause is. I think it all comes down to this question: Does it matter how nice you are to your baby? Allow me to explain.
If how you treat a baby has no consequences, you could pretty much relax about the first few years of childhood. You could make a bunch of mistakes, but it wouldn’t matter. As she grows up you’d figure it out as you go along, and you’d have the opportunity to create great memories based on her unique wants and needs, thereby ensuring a happy childhood. What happened early on would be forgotten, as if it never happened. Easy! But this master plan all depends on how important the first few years are in a child’s development, and since I know nothing about these things, this was the part where I needed to bring Jess into the conversation.
Now, when I talked to Jess about this, I didn’t bother to fill her in on the thought process I went through to get me to this point of sincere desire to give our daughter a happy childhood. So I think I brought it up by saying something like, “Does it matter if we’re mean to the baby?“ Ok, so maybe a little context would have been nice — but isn’t she supposed to know what goes on in my head by now? Seriously.
So anyway, you know what? It turns out that it does matter how nice you are to your baby. Jess sent me this from an article she recently read in a psychology journal (my emphasis added):
To achieve and maintain a state of felt security, infants need to be confident that a trusted person is consistently available to them. Without this, they frequently feel anxious, which inhibits many growth-promoting activities such as play and exploration, and they also experience dysregulation of several physiological systems. Disruption in their relationships with their caregivers, including short-term separations and ongoing dysfunctional relationships, can result in disturbances in sleeping and eating behaviors and in detrimental changes in cardiac, neruoendocrine, and immune systems. Thus, when the attachment relationship is either severed or not working well, the costs to the child can be wide ranging and long lasting.
Now, following my initial thought process to its logical conclusion (yes, it’s logical!), this information should have sent me back to the drawing board to figure out new ways to give our daughter a happy childhood — you know, things like a bigger house, Hannah Montana tickets, lots of iPods from the moment she’s born, etc. But that’s not what happened.
Reading this excerpt had the opposite effect — it gave me complete confidence that our daughter will have a happy childhood. Yes, I will make a lot of mistakes. We won’t live in a giant house with a big swimming pool. Sometimes Hannah Montana tickets will be sold out. But that’s all ok, as long as one thing remains true. All our daughter needs for a happy childhood, is to be confident that a trusted person is consistently available to her. And that, I can say without a doubt, I can do. Because if there is one thing I’m sure of, it’s that I will always be available to her.
I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Be nice to babies. It matters.
Kristen June 3rd, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I have been obsessed with reading neuro-science type books on babies brain development and related things (yes this was far before bed rest). Here are some I recommend for the lay person (like you – not Jess!):
- “Baby Teacher, Nuturing Neural Networks from Birth to Age 5″ – I really liked this one and it’s not too long. I definitely skimmed some of the technical sections but the conclusions and how to relate it to your own life/baby were all very interesting. Oh and you’d love that it’s got quite a strong focus on the impact of music.
- “What’s Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life” I’m only about half way through or so, started then took a break because it’s a bit long. Was recommended by Aunt Elaine.
- “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child” (just starting this one)
They may be available from the Rampe Success Library as long as you promise to return them when I have a freak out moment and want to reread something.
howefitz June 5th, 2009 at 6:22 am
Yep, sounds like you’ll do just fine. Be as nice as you can, but come on, isn’t part of out job as parents to cause some amount of damage? ;P
Jason June 5th, 2009 at 6:57 am
LOL @ howefitz.
Seriously though being nice is great and comes naturally easy. The hard part is when you have to be the not so nice disciplinarian…that’s when the questions of lasting damage really arise.
PJ Mullen June 5th, 2009 at 7:27 am
So, that’s why my kid never sleeps. Maybe I should stop playing Iron Maiden during playtime
Just kidding, I agree with a lot of that. I think the reason our son is so happy and go lucky most of the time is because of how we do ours best to provide for him and keep the household stress free. It isn’t always easy, but its probably do it now or spend our retirement money on shrinks.
BellaDaddy June 5th, 2009 at 8:30 am
Ours is almost three, and yes, there were moments when you feel like screaming your head off…but you don’t…and ours is quite the little sweetheart! You are on the right track to happiness for you and yours!
WeaselMomma June 5th, 2009 at 9:55 am
#1 ~ You are completely over thinking things. #2 ~ Yes it totally matters how you treat babies. However, the cognitive learning they eventually catch up with. The more important part (and you will rarely hear me say this. I am not a hippy love fest fruit-loop) is the emotional. Babies need love and security. They need to be held and played with and laughed with. The first 2 years are the most important in this area.
A child in a Chinese orphanage, who has their basic need met, but is not held, cuddled and loved and played with during the first years of life is unable to accept affection and build relationships later on. They never learned how.
#3. Don’t sweat it. It comes naturally. You will want to hold, cuddle and love your baby. You will get so much enjoyment from these activities that you will fear you are doing it too much. There is a natural love (mark my words and email after babies arrival) for your child that will eclipse and love you have ever known to be possible. It will blow your mind. You will want nothing more than to love your baby.
Annie June 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
I think your blogs are funny. I can only imagine the look on Jess’s face when you failed to preface your question.
And while you really don’t need anymore expert amateur opinions, I will offer one anyway! We had two daughters, and then adopted our third child, a boy, from Hong Kong. We missed the first 13 months of his life. I won’t go into the sad details, but YES, those first years are absolutely critical in terms of their development. But I have no doubts that you and Jess will do just fine.
HeirApparent June 5th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I think what you’ll find is that you don’t need to consciously think about being nice to your baby – you just will be. There will be frustrating moments, and you may need to put her down and walk away for a moment or two, but in my experience you just know how to act. And if I could handle this, I’m sure you’ll do fine…
Rian June 5th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Thanks for all the excellent advice and diverse experiences!
@PJ I’m already wondering how soon after birth I can start the U2 & Coldplay education for my daughter…
@WeaselMomma Yes everyone keeps telling me that it comes naturally when it’s your own. “It’s different when it’s your own baby’s poop.” I hope so
@Annie Thanks for sharing, I know I might be overthinking this but the whole learning process fascinates me, and your experience shows the real stories behind the theory.
And @ everyone — thank you thank you thank you. All the advice and support makes this an even more special experience than it already is!