Leave the great indoorsnotes on the journey

Well, we’re about half-way through the pregnancy now, so it’s time to stop and take stock of what I have learned so far about being a dad.  Let’s be clear about this – I’ve learned very little.  And yes, it is freaking me out.  But in a wonderful way.  Even though I feel monumentally unprepared, I can’t wait to hold our baby girl in my arms.

So here is what I’ve learned about fatherhood over the past 5 months.  And for you math geeks out there – yes, 5 + 5 = 10.  Did you know a pregnancy is actually 10 months long?  I didn’t.  The whole 9 month thing is pure trickery!

#1 – Pregnancy books are boring

Jess bought me The Expectant Father before she was even pregnant.  I have to be honest – I really tried to keep up.  But there are just way too many big scary words in there.  I just want to know the baby is alive, kicking like crazy, and that Jess is happy.  That’s it!  Everything else is details.  But I do understand how important it is to be a part of the process (I read that in a pregnancy book somewhere), so I have found two pregnancy books that I feel are particularly informative for dads-to-be:

My boys can swim! The official guy’s guide to pregnancy tells it like it is.  With chapters like “Maternity Attire” and “The Mother of All Shots: The Epidural” it gives you all the essential information without the fluff.  Get this book.

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home is a little light on facts, but it more than makes up for that in entertainment value.  I’ve been reading a chapter of this book to Jess at night, and it’s sometimes hard to keep going through the tears of laughter.  Here’s a little taste:

[When you teach your child during pregnancy], the teaching method has to be very simple. I mean, you can’t go in there with slide projectors or anything. Where would you plug them in? So you’ll pretty much have to content yourself with yelling at the stomach. This is the man’s job, because let’s face it, the woman would look pretty stupid yelling at her own stomach

#2 – During pregnancy, the baby’s size is measured in fruit

The first thing your wife does after the initial doctors visit is sign you up for the weekly “this is what’s happening” emails from BabyCenter.com.   Let me give you some advice – read them.  Because you will be quizzed on the content every week.  It is in your best interest to pass this quiz.  But the strangest thing you will find in these emails is the apparent odd shapes and sizes that babies take while they are growing.

I’ll give you an example.  Right now, our baby is the size of a large heirloom tomato.  10 weeks? A kumquat.  12 weeks? A lime!  I have no idea how big any of these things are.  I don’t even know what a kumquat is.  But from what I can gather through my powers of deduction, the baby grows a little bit every week.  This is a good thing.

#3 – “Pregnancy cravings” is not a myth

Look, I will be honest with you.  It is one of my favorite things in the world to go on “craving runs” for Jess. They are important missions, and not usually too difficult to accomplish (with notable exceptions). Pregnancy cravings are the stuff of legend, immortalized in many a book and song, and I will tell you now, it is the real deal.  Here is how to tell a pregnancy craving from any normal “man, I could really go for a piece of toast right now” type feeling:

1. Pregnancy cravings strike suddenly and completely, erasing all other thoughts from the subject’s mind
2. Pregnancy cravings are surgically specific – there is absolutely no ambiguity involved

Jess was recently afflicted with a sudden craving for Light Chocolate Mousse Tracks ice cream.  I spent an hour in Safeway looking for it, even enlisting the help of a very sympathetic teenage clerk, but neither of us could find it.  We could find (1) Chocolate Mousse Tracks or (2) Light Vanilla Mousse Tracks, but we just couldn’t find the needed combination.  I went with option #2, and Jess was extremely gracious about it, but I still feel bad about failing her in this simple task.  I am haunted by chocolate mousse ice cream.

#4 – Babies need more clothes than you think

This was a complete surprise to me.  The clothes have been streaming in from grandparents, family and friends, and once we got to 7 adorable little outfits, I mused  (out loud, and unfortunately within earshot of Jess) that it’s great that we now have enough baby clothes for the first year.  Apparently this is not the case.  They need A LOT more clothes, not to mention more than one diaper per day!  I don’t particularly approve of this diva-like behavior of changing your clothes many times a day, but I guess I will just have to get used to it.

#5 – Having a baby is the best thing that will ever happen to you

Jess started to feel the baby kick this week.  I hear that it will be another 2 weeks before I can feel her, and I can’t wait for that.  I’m starting to find myself missing my unborn daughter while I’m at work.  Last night I talked to her and Jess said she started moving at the sound of my voice.  And I can’t get The Police song “Wrapped Around Your Finger” out of my head.  Yes.  No matter how unprepared you might feel, having a baby is the best thing that will ever happen to you.